KID 1: What’s the Dallas Quarterback dude’s name?
KID 2: Newyork Bozo.
ADULT 1: Tony Romo.
ADULT 2: *cracks up, falls off couch*
KID 2: *snerks*
#stellarparenting, achievement unlocked.
If you have a guitar, and can learn a few easy chords, teach yourself to play 5000 Candles in the Wind by Mouse Rat. This will take you approximately four seconds to learn. Then, on a random school day morning, wake your children by quietly wandering into their rooms and playing it with a gradual crescendo until your children are standing on their beds with lighters** in hand, swaying and singing along with the chorus. This will start their morning off right. Offer them sugary cereal immediately after.
You will be the best mom ever.
Also, if your kids walk to school as mine do, you can wait until they are about a block and a half away, stand in the middle of the street, and belt out a 5000CITW chorus-only reprise. They will pee their pants laughing (sneak extra pants into their backpacks ahead of time), and the entire neighborhood will undoubtedly love you for it.
(This also counts as an Unsolicited Professional Neighbor Tip.)
** If you don’t provide your kids with personalized lighters, kitchen matches will work fine. If your kids have smart phones and wish to use them as the source of audience participation illumination, you are an awful fucking parent. What are they, like seven? Seven years old and you gave the little jerks a smart phone? You don’t deserve to sing about Li’l Sebastian. You probably don’t even deserve to live.
Have a great day, errbody.
My daughter is one, and we’ve been going to our community center a couple times a week for a toddler playgroup. I’ve become good friends with some other moms there, and I like that the center is close to my house and the playroom is clean. We have coffee and talk while we watch the kids play. It’s been nice because I don’t get much time to talk to adults these days. Now I’m feeling uncomfortable because one of the moms in our group recently went back to work, so she’s not there. After she went back to work the other women in the group started talking about her. They talk about how they can’t believe she went back to work, and that her daughter will suffer because she’s in daycare. One of them said that she shouldn’t have had a baby if she wasn’t going to be around to raise it. I feel so uncomfortable talking with them, but I do think that staying at home with my child is important, and I wouldn’t have gone back to work either. That’s the problem. I think that being a stay at home mom is best, but I don’t want to talk about someone that I like to hang out with behind her back. How can I tell them that even though I pretty much agree with them I don’t want to talk about her like that? I don’t want them to start talking about me and I know that some of them would disagree with some of the things I do as a parent. I want be able to go there without feeling uncomfortable, but I’m not sure I’m ok with the whole thing.
– Conflicted Mom
Ah yes, the Mommy Wars shit-talk strikes again. Whether it’s breastfeeding or formula, daycare or stay-at-home, disposable diapers or cloth, attachment parenting and whatever you call other types of parenting, mothers with strong opinions wage war on other mothers with strong opinions, and they fight for the right to feel superior over the other. What a crock of shit. While everyone has an opinion on these parenting choices, and everyone has the right to voice their opinions regarding them, somewhere in there, a number of women have decided that their opinions are the correct opinions and have commenced a full on attack of those who disagree.
If the women in your playgroup wish to voice their opinions in front of you, that’s ok. They are entitled to do so. In that case, you could choose to share or not share your opinion as well, and get back to blah blah blah and suck down your Starbucks. All is well. However, nasty remarks that accuse other mothers of bad parenting, such as the comment that the absent friend shouldn’t have had a baby if she wasn’t going to be around to raise it is, quite simply, someone being a straight bitch. I don’t think you’re upset with the nature of the conversation, but with the realization that you have been spending your mornings with assholes.
The situation you’re in really isn’t about this particular parenting topic. It’s about women talking shit about another woman behind her back. If there’s one thing I know for sure, it’s that you can bet your ass they’d do the same to you. You have to ask yourself whether or not you want to spend your time with people like that. Maybe you do. Maybe your daughter’s playgroup setting is worth putting up with them for a few hours a week. Only you can make that call. If you do, you probably want to keep in mind that these women will probably continue to say things that you don’t like. You have to choose whether or not you want to tell them that you’d prefer that they not talk about your absent friend. Just remember this, if you sit there quietly, not saying anything, then you’re being a shitty friend, too. Since it’s bothering you enough to write me, I’d guess that you probably aren’t a shitty friend. So, since you’re a grown-up and value friendship, let the bullies know that their shit talking isn’t welcome when you’re sitting at the table. Yes, they’ll probably turn their fangs on you later, but at least you stood your ground. If you’re scared to rock the boat (as many people are), look over at your daughter. Someday, someone’s going to bully her behind her back. Wouldn’t you want someone to stand up for her?
Like I said, I think your issue is really about how these women are behaving, and not so much the topic they chose. They happened to have chosen a very emotionally charged topic, one that brings out some seriously judgmental attitudes. But, no matter the topic, slamming someone who disagrees with you behind their back is just a dick move.
Good luck, and I hope for better coffee conversation in your near future.
I will briefly remark on this whole ugly issue of parents attacking other parents for having opinions that differ from their own, because this is my column and I can do whatever the hell I want. A note to the parents that know what’s best for everybody else:
Dear Judgy McShutyourface,
Don’t approve of another parent’s parenting choices? Feel the need to pass judgement on them because your choices are the correct choices, and anyone who disagrees with you is obviously a bad parent? That can really suck time out of your already busy day. I’m here to help, and I’ve got great news for you! It will free you of your self-imposed duty to inform other parents that they are (clearly) doing it wrong. Here it is…
It’s none of your fucking business. Period. Go spend your energy being the best parent you can be to your own child. You could start by setting an example for your child by not disrespecting others and/or saying shitty things about them behind their backs. Be a good role model and show your kid that Mommy’s not an asshole. That just might be the best parenting advice you’ll ever get. You’re welcome.
Perhaps the best apology in the history of the second grade. Largely because it incorporates a haiku. This was sent to my daughter, Grace, from her classmate, Owen, after he very publicly proclaimed that she has “buck teeth”.
Actual text reads thusly:
I’m very sorry for what I said about you having buck teeth. I know this will never happen again. Here is a haiku to show that I care.
I’m very sorry.
I’ll hope that you’ll forgive me.
This is how I care.
Owen was immediately forgiven, and Grace now keeps the note in her jewelry box. Excellent work, Owen.
A letter came today. In the midst of a very trying week, in between conference calls, speaking engagements, and an overstuffed Inbox, it appeared. A letter with the power to calm a worried heart, provide much needed perspective, and offer a reminder of how much we all really need each other. One little letter.
The past few weeks have been disappointing. My neurological disease(s) continue to fuck up my groove, now causing issues my endocrine system. I’m spending more time in hospitals and doctors’ offices than I have in the last two years combined. We are planning and strategizing and preparing for battle. Some days it’s disheartening, frustrating, tiring. Other days, I just slam a gallon of coffee and give it everything I’ve got. (And then I blast “Damn it Feels Good to Be a Gangsta” by the Geto Boys on my car stereo and think, well shit, I’m still here, I still got this, B. This is some serious badassery. I just gotta keep doing what I do as long as I can do it. Because I’m lucky to be here.) So, there are good days, bad days, and everything in between, but generally, it’s been a tough burden to bear. And then…
A letter came.
Across the country, a five year old that I have never met has just come out of another neurosurgery. He has one of the conditions that I have, a tethered spinal cord with syringomyelia. The amount of pain and suffering that this little guy has endured, and will endure, breaks my heart. Through this blog, and a little help from a dear friend, this family in Oregon and I were brought together to support one another. I have a unique advantage in being able to help this little guy’s parents understand symptoms, treatments, prognoses, but also to be a sounding board, to try to offer advice on how to approach treatment options, and to be a source of strength and comfort whenever I can. We write, we speak on the phone, sometimes, we cry together, out of frustration and concern for a really great little kid. Today, this little guy’s dad wrote me a letter.
I won’t post the actual letter here. I want to maintain the privacy of our correspondence. Sometimes, words are too precious to share. What I do want to share is the reason for the letter.
Simply this, that they are grateful to have someone like me help them navigate this journey. That, because of the knowledge I can offer, they can (and have) saved their son additional pain and suffering. That it’s so incredible that a woman they have never met in real life could be so pivotal in helping them fight for their son. They think it might be God. They thanked me for being the messenger.
I cried in a way that I haven’t in a long time.
I don’t believe that I deserve accolades for helping others. I do believe that everything happens for a reason. If I am meant to live this life, with the challenges that I’ve been handed, so that I could make a difference in the life of a wonderful little boy who has his whole life ahead of him, then I accept my fate with *gulp* gratitude. I have always refused to feel sorry for myself. I refuse to be a victim to my condition. Because of what I’ve been through, I have the power to help others. That is worth everything.
A letter came today.
It opened my eyes to the power of reaching out and helping someone just because you can. That letter healed a spot in my heart that I didn’t really know needed mending. It brought me renewed perspective, it brought me some peace. It brought me news of a successful surgery and the hope of relief for a little guy that really needs it.
We need each other, all of us.
I’ll eat you up, I love you so.