If you have a guitar, and can learn a few easy chords, teach yourself to play 5000 Candles in the Wind by Mouse Rat. This will take you approximately four seconds to learn. Then, on a random school day morning, wake your children by quietly wandering into their rooms and playing it with a gradual crescendo until your children are standing on their beds with lighters** in hand, swaying and singing along with the chorus. This will start their morning off right. Offer them sugary cereal immediately after.
You will be the best mom ever.
Also, if your kids walk to school as mine do, you can wait until they are about a block and a half away, stand in the middle of the street, and belt out a 5000CITW chorus-only reprise. They will pee their pants laughing (sneak extra pants into their backpacks ahead of time), and the entire neighborhood will undoubtedly love you for it.
(This also counts as an Unsolicited Professional Neighbor Tip.)
** If you don’t provide your kids with personalized lighters, kitchen matches will work fine. If your kids have smart phones and wish to use them as the source of audience participation illumination, you are an awful fucking parent. What are they, like seven? Seven years old and you gave the little jerks a smart phone? You don’t deserve to sing about Li’l Sebastian. You probably don’t even deserve to live.
Have a great day, errbody.
UPDATE: Over the last 24 hours or so, I have received several submissions regarding the explicit content of Boyfriend’s performances. Yes, it is X-rated. Yes, some of you might find it offensive. Yes, Boyfriend isn’t for everyone. But here’s the thing. I love that she unabashedly puts her art into the world, without censoring her creative vision. She isn’t afraid to put out honest work. It’s fucking genuine, and I respect that to the highest degree. Furthermore, I think it is hilarious and impressive, and I love my new Boyfriend.
So, thank god this is my blog, I can publish whatever I damn well please, and no one is forcing anyone to read it. Everybody wins! However, if you feel the need to express your disappointment in the things I choose to post, I welcome your opinions, and support your desire to express them. Feel free to complain as much or as little as you’d like by emailing me at email@example.com. And know you’re not alone. Plenty of people have the desire and ridiculous amount of free time to tell me what I’m doing wrong, and I salute you for showing me the error of my ways.
Love and Kisses,
I have only recently experienced the wonderment that is Boyfriend.
She’s a teacher by day, a rapper by night, calls herself “sex positive”, and yes, she’s got rhymes. She’s coming outta NOLA, funny as shit, and she’s gonna rap about her period, and all of her hipster-y sexpot gloriousness.
Satire? For sure. Parody? Yeeeeayup. Awesome? It doesn’t really matter. I’ve got a new Boyfriend and now you do, too.
All photos © boyfriend69.com