If you have a guitar, and can learn a few easy chords, teach yourself to play 5000 Candles in the Wind by Mouse Rat. This will take you approximately four seconds to learn. Then, on a random school day morning, wake your children by quietly wandering into their rooms and playing it with a gradual crescendo until your children are standing on their beds with lighters** in hand, swaying and singing along with the chorus. This will start their morning off right. Offer them sugary cereal immediately after.
You will be the best mom ever.
Also, if your kids walk to school as mine do, you can wait until they are about a block and a half away, stand in the middle of the street, and belt out a 5000CITW chorus-only reprise. They will pee their pants laughing (sneak extra pants into their backpacks ahead of time), and the entire neighborhood will undoubtedly love you for it.
(This also counts as an Unsolicited Professional Neighbor Tip.)
** If you don’t provide your kids with personalized lighters, kitchen matches will work fine. If your kids have smart phones and wish to use them as the source of audience participation illumination, you are an awful fucking parent. What are they, like seven? Seven years old and you gave the little jerks a smart phone? You don’t deserve to sing about Li’l Sebastian. You probably don’t even deserve to live.
Have a great day, errbody.
Perhaps the best apology in the history of the second grade. Largely because it incorporates a haiku. This was sent to my daughter, Grace, from her classmate, Owen, after he very publicly proclaimed that she has “buck teeth”.
Actual text reads thusly:
I’m very sorry for what I said about you having buck teeth. I know this will never happen again. Here is a haiku to show that I care.
I’m very sorry.
I’ll hope that you’ll forgive me.
This is how I care.
Owen was immediately forgiven, and Grace now keeps the note in her jewelry box. Excellent work, Owen.