I’ve been thinking about how often I find myself thinking “Go fuck yourself.” while someone’s talking to me.
Maybe, whenever I’m thinking of saying it, I should just say it.
Of course, this would mean I’d be saying it more often.
But, I think that would be a good thing for everyone involved.
People deserve to know when it’s time for them to go fuck themselves.
If I don’t tell them, they’ll never know that they should be off somewhere, fucking themselves.
If they don’t know that they should be fucking themselves, then they’ll still be standing there, yapping about some bullshit that makes me think, “Go fuck yourself.”
I can commit to this. Yes. I’m willing to take one for the team and say what everyone else is thinking.
I’m not a hero. (Debatable.) I’m just a woman. A woman who doesn’t want that bullshit all up in her face. A woman who needs a motherfucker to pump those motherfucking brakes for a motherfucking minute, and listen carefully, because she only wants to have to say that shit one motherfucking time.
“Go fuck yourself.”
This is me. Solving some goddamn problems. You’re welcome.
This morning I stood in front of the bathroom mirror after my shower, as I tend to do when my birthday is coming up. Which is probably weird. Whatever.
This time, as I looked at my two c-section scars, that little pouch of saggy, fatty skin just above the long scar (the one that shrinks over time, but always seems to hang around), and the stretch marks (turned mini craters) that appeared each time my abdomen had expanded, I was kind of glad they were there. A few years ago I wouldn’t have looked at them that way. So it’s something kind of new for me.
Instead of the “Ugh, gross.” I’d have normally sighed, I kind of, sort of, smiled a little.
(Fucking *smiled*. Where the hell did that come from? Such a weirdo.)
Ok, but the “imperfections” seem pretty perfect now. They’re reminders of what this body was once capable of. Those marks are part of what it took to get my girls here.
So, they’re perfect scars, perfect, saggy little marks peppered across my belly.
With my birthday coming up, I’m happy to be at a place in my life that I am able to admire my body for what it has created. I’ve decided not disrespect it by wishing those imperfections away.
Besides, it’s like having a few extra guests at my birthday party. Gross. Just kidding. Probably kidding.
THIS HAS BEEN YOUR TMI POST FOR THE DAY.
Just so you know.
Everything before this (the October 22, 2012 post and earlier) are all reposts from sarasantiago.com.
They’re still good.
I wrote Mustache Love after my daughter told me about being teased for having a “little mustache” at school. Earlier this year, I auditioned for the LTYM Show with the piece, was cast in the show, and am now preparing to unleash the love upon a live audience. Reading over the piece in preparation for the show reminds me of how a little blog post, on a lesser known blog, somehow turned into a movement of inclusion and would inspire a community to come together and stand vigil over a friend in trouble.
It began with a hashtag. My homey, @TheBusBandit, retweeted my blog post and added #MustacheLove to his tweet. The response to the blog post was huge, both on Twitter, on the blog, via email, or in person. So many people showing the hairy-ass love, and sharing their own versions of #MustacheLove. The mustache was different for everyone. For some it was their weight, others, bucked teeth, acne, height, skin color, the list went on and on. Everyone had a “mustache”. Everyone.
#MustacheLove became more than just a blog post. It was a common thread, a right of passage, the act of breaking free of what is “pretty” or “normal” or “handsome” or “good”. It was acceptance. It was courage. It was reminding each other that we’re all okay, just as we are. Because as grown as we are, we still forget sometimes.
Then came the mustaches. They came from everywhere. Mustache jewelry, mustache window clings, mustache pillows, mustache photos, a group of my running buddies ran a route in the shape of a mustache just to make me smile. In 2010, I needed #MustacheLove more than ever. I had two major surgeries, needed to ask for help more than I ever had in my life, and had to come to terms with a very different kind of “normal”. The months after the first surgery brought a roller coaster of highs and lows, emotionally and physically. Three months later, I needed another surgery. I talked a good game, but I was scared, pissed, and tired. I was gaining weight, I walked with a cane due to my deteriorating gait, and I looked sickly and shitty all the time. As much as I knew how to help my daughter deal with self image issues, I started feeling uncomfortable in my own skin. And I knew better, right? Sigh.
Then something happened.
I logged into Twitter the night before my second surgery to find that hundreds of avatars had been slightly altered. There, I found the usual faces of my Twitter feed, with one addition. Each one of them was wearing a mustache. A friend had created a Twibbon that overlaid a wickedawesome mustache over all of their beautiful faces. That night, #gosarago was a trending topic in Milwaukee. It was a glorious mustache vigil that I will never forget.
On Sunday, May 8, 2011, I will read Mustache Love to an audience of hundreds. And it isn’t the same Mustache Love that I wrote almost a year and a half ago. The words are the same, with some small additions and edits, but it feels different. When I talk about the day I made the decision to let my own (impressive, btw) facial hair grow (for 6 months) to show my daughter that good people will love you no mater how hairy (or heavy, or buck toothed, or pigeon toed…) you are, I won’t just be thinking about the good people who will love you in spite of your mustache.
I’ll be thinking of all the people who will wear one for you.